Mad Tea Party
by 7RedCards
Summary: After killing Bumby, Alice attempts to have a tea party with Hatter and the others, like they used to have before Wonderland went bad. But she'll soon learn that although a tea party won't make Wonderland the joyful place it once was, it may be a step towards making it better. T for Scottish insults and a movie reference by Alice that I hope some of you get.


**Hey everyone!** **I finished Alice: Madness Returns a few days ago (hoping to download the predecessor when I can), and I got this little idea in my head XD Enjoy!**

Alice felt that even her Vorpal Blade wouldn't be able to cut the tension in the air. All was silent except for mechanical whirring and the clanking of tea and scones on plates.

She thought this might be a good idea when formulating it, but now she'd decided she'd much rather exchange banter with the mangy Cheshire. Perhaps take a trip on the newly recreated Looking Glass Line with Mock Turtle and the Tweedles. Maybe a show with Carpenter and Walrus?

Hell, at this point she might even fancy a concert with the Red Queen! But she had to do this. Bumby had already half-destroyed her friends; she would not allow him, even in death, to ruin her bond with them.

If there was any bond left for her to mend, that was.

Dormie was asleep, the windup key in his back no longer rotating as he used a pile of scones as a (probably rather uncomfortable) pillow. He muttered in his sleep, but Alice couldn't hear what was being said. Based on how March Hare's good hand tensed around his teacup, she amended that she'd rather not know.

Hare didn't look well. Worse than usual, Alice dared to (think) say. He had no more mechanical parts than when they previously met. In fact, he seemed to be better adjusted to those, and he was dressed in a new coat and bowtie that complimented his fur well. No, he looked fine in all of those parts. He simply looked ill. Alice doubted he wanted to be here any more than she. His head suddenly twitched toward her, and the eye not bulging from the socket narrowed at her in a heated glare.

"What're ya lookin' at, ya little--" Before he could finish with a no doubt extremely rude insult, Hatter looked up with a toothy grin.

"But how can she be little, Marchie? Alice is a Liddel, but she is not little. Unless all Liddels are little, in which case Alice is either abnormally tall for a Liddel or abnormally little for a person, which would in turn make you more little than a little Liddel!" He continued this rant for quite a while, his eyes shining with his trademark madness, but he also seemed to be stalling any arguments that may have rose until he began speaking.

"Hatter, that's quite enough." Alice interjected firmly, but with a gentle tone. She looked over to Dormie and wound up his key. He immediately awoke and looked at Alice with a grin.

"Why is the Red Queen not like a typhoon?" He asked. March just grimaced as well as he could. Alice answered despite this.

"Both are powerful, destructive, and indiscriminately cruel. But the typhoon doesn't mean to be."

"Wrong, but a good answer lass." March muttered. She looked at him and spoke curtly, but with a hint of curiosity.

"What then, pray tell, would be the correct answer March?" He grinned a bit at her, and frustration surged through her. He enjoyed getting a reaction from her! _He and Cat would get along well, indeed._

"There is no calm before th' storm." He replied simply. Dormie burst into a fit of giggles that Hatter soon joined into. After a moment, however, of March and Alice not joining, they ceased.

"Hatter?" Alice looked across the table to the olive-skinned, unnaturally tall, mostly-clockwork friend of hers.

"Yes, little Miss Liddel?" He asked her with a grin, reaching out with his gangly arms to grab a sleeping Eyepot, which jolted a bit before closing its eye again as its master lifted it. "Need more tea? Are the scones to your liking?"

"The scones are fine, Hatter, but I don't..." She sighed. "Half a cup more, please." Standing up on his chair, the Hatter walked across the table (Dormie and March were forced to pull their tea and sweets away with exclamations of "Watch it!" and "Oi!") until he stood in front of Alice's cup, which he then tossed to March, where it bounced off of his head.

"Marchie, if you would?" Hatter requested. Rubbing his head where the cup hit, March cleaved the porcelain cup cleanly in half with his bladed arm and tossed it back to Hatter, who poured tea into it. It filled up with nothing spilling out, as if there were some invisible barrier preventing it from doing so. With a barely visible smile, Alice took the cup and sipped the hot darjeeling oolong. Her favorite.

"Thank you, Hatter. And you as well, March Hare."

"You're quite welcome, Alice!" Hatter exclaimed as he walked back over to his seat ("Cut it out Hatter!" "Watch where ya step, ya dopper!") and sat down. Hare didn't respond at all to Alice's gratitude.

"Would you like some toast, Alice?" Dormie asked awkwardly, trying his best to look cheerful. "We just received this _marvelous_ apple jam from Rabbit, he brought it to us directly from the Pale Realm! A gift from the White Queen herself!"

Alice, not particularly fond of apples but not wishing to waste a gift or hurt Dormie's feelings, took a slice of toast with the jam and ate it with conviction (it was just slightly tart, but mostly sweet). "It's quite good, Dormie. Thank you."

"Hooray!" Alice allowed herself a smile at Dormie's cheerful exclamation. All went silent again, other than the turning of her friends' gears and their food being eaten. Alice wasn't often at a loss for words. It made her feel like she had no control over even her speech, and too much of her life had been out of her hands for years. But she didn't know what she could possibly say to make everything okay again.

The silence stretched on until Alice spoke, attempting to make conversation.

"How are things at your domain, Hatter?" All three of her friends seemed to brighten a bit.

" _Our_ domain, Alice. We're all working together as partners!" Hatter replied excitedly. Alice nodded with a smile.

"Wonderful! And I trust that it's going well?" She hadn't meant to say anything rude, but Dormie and Hare went silent while the Hatter continued to smile (nervously).

"Nothin' 'ad gone wrong 'til ya ruined Wonderland, anyway." Hare muttered.

Oh, _Hell_ if Alice would stand for that! She glared harshly at Hare, who returned the look fearlessly.

"Nothing would have gone wrong if you hadn't allowed yourselves to become _tools_ for the Dollmaker! Everything might have been all right if you and Dormouse had not--"

"You had already ruined it by then, ya fannybaws!" Hare yelled in return. "It all was ruined because of you! Ya turned us all into monsters!" The Vorpal Blade appeared in Alice's hand, and she jammed it into the table with a loud slam.

"I will _not_ hesitate to cut you open from navel to nose!"

"Stop your bickering, the both of you!" Hatter stood. "Alice invited us here to enjoy a tea party, and I intend to do just that! So both of you, shut your heads!"

"Oh, look who's talkin' now!" Hare retorted. "Alice may 'ave ruined Wonderland, but _you_ ruined us! Dormie and I were your friends, and look what ya did to us!"

"You tried to _destroy_ Wonderland!" Hatter shot back. "You and that Infernal-"

"STOP, PLEASE!" Dormie yelled, his voice shaking. Silence all around the table. Hatter sat down slowly, staring at his Eyepot as it slept. Nobody apologized, or even otherwise spoke.

This hadn't been what Alice wanted at all! Why had she lost her temper like that? She heard Cheshire's voice in her head.

 _'You're just as randomly lethal and confused as you always were.'_

 _'Predictably rash.'_

She had to say something. Anything! Anything that would make it all okay!

That's when she realized that nothing she said would make it okay again. It would never be as happy and cheerful as it once was. But she could still make it better.

So she threw out the first question she could think of.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" Everyone looked at her, surprised.

"...I haven't the slightest idea, Alice." Hatter replied softly, a small grin on his face. Dormie and March shook their heads to show that they didn't know either.

"Because it makes notes, although they're very flat, and it's nevar put with the wrong end in front." She answered.

"My lord, Alice, that's brilliant!" Dormie exclaimed, grinning.

"Very brilliant indeed!" Hatter replied, standing up. "Such a clever answer calls for our favorite song! All together now!" He and Dormie began to loudly sing _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat._ Hare and Alice looked at one another. Then, after smiling at her, Hare joined in with increasing vigor.

"Idiots..." Alice affectionately muttered, shaking her head before she began singing along as well.

Even now, her Wonderland wasn't the happy place it had once been. It was violent, damaged, and bordering psychotic.

But right now, amidst the chaos, there was a Hatter, a March Hare, a Dormouse, and a young woman that started it all.

And they were having their happiest mad tea party in years.

And hopefully, although it wasn't guaranteed...

They would have more for years to come.

 **Finally done XD I hope you enjoyed it, readers!**

 **1: The answer to the Red Queen riddle was made by a good friend of mine. Check him out on wattpad! His username is Maxx Eidolon.**

 **2: The answer to the Raven/Writing Desk riddle was suggested by Lewis Carrol himself. Nevar was spelled incorrectly on purpose. Nevar is raven spelled backwards, which is putting the wrong end in front.**


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